It's All Mayonnaise

The product known as "Oriental Hot Mustard" comes in a can much lighter than one would expect. That is, of course, because it is not sold in its final form. As stated: "FOR A UNIQUE FLAVOUR Mix 2 teaspoons of mustard powder with 3 teaspoons of cold water. Allow to stand for 2 minutes to develop fullest flavour." (S&B). It's a wonderful ingredient, a lot more bite than a French's or a Poupon, a strength you can adjust! And due to this norm factor, it's incredibly shelf stable, and "Excellent in sauces, and to enhance steaks, roasts, hams, fish or game." (S&B)! It's got everything going for it, except of course, it being horribly elusive. 

In the average Western rotisserie chicken-having Western grocer, if Oriental Hot Mustard appears at all, it will be in one of 2 locations:

1. The Condiments column of an aisle with an overhead board in the vein of "| Condiments | Pickles | Oil | Vinegar |". 

2. The Condiments column nested inside the Global Goods column of a similar overhead board in the vein of " | Mexican Flavours | Noodles | Rice | Pasta | Global Goods |”.

Given they are Aisles 2 and 3 respectively, me in the former right now today, trying to make sense of Mayochup, Mayoracha, Wasabioli, Perinaise; unwound product labels extend outward to infinity; geometry estranges itself to ribbed shiny, tapered tubes, and rectangular price tags friction fit to plastic beams. Enough of this damn mustard, my mind drifts to all the many mayo’s I could pitch to get rich quick off. Though as interesting as they are, I intuitively shrug, concluding they must all exist in one form or another. 

My momentary jolt of consumer excitement fizzles and my mustard dread returns, I mosey down to 3, past hard shell tacos and shelf stable salsa product. Before the mustard, this specific brand of premade Rogan Josh and Pasanda sauces catches my eye. The very same brand with different products carried back Aisle-2. What makes these "Global Goods" but Tikka Paste and Madras Mayo not? Maybe the latter, sure it's a condiment... but then  why is Japanese mayo in the global goods? 

Does “Global Goods” even mean anything in the west? Or is “Global” just the scraps that don’t sell well enough to a middle-class western audience? At what point does a flavor becomes spiritually fumigated enough for blind embracement by the western shelf. Say, they have this mustard (which they do not today) and I purchased every can in stock, and  say-say the moment they restock I buy it all again and again and again, would this arbitrary grocer feel inclined to change its cultural reflection to meet my demands? Mustering up some ignorance display detailing “Mustard with a kick… or chop!” with a cardboard karate belt wrapped around the cardboard shelf. And if say-say-say, I wipe this shelf clean, a cart so full my nose runs and tingles through the metal seals. How long until corporate embraces it fully, as not only a trend but a mainstay product, Oriental Mustard joining the likes of Everything Bagel Mayo in the all-star middle shelf roster of Aisle-2?

I think this is why these stupid Mayos fascinate me. A product so excessively optimized, sterilized, and pasteurized that me artificially bloating some random grocer's sales is constitutionally identical to any conceivable trend or demographic shift doing one the same.

The purest form of the west.

It's all just fucking mayonnaise.

Jackson Dunnigan is a Montreal-based writer, artist, and lover of all things maximalist. His work is a dizzying concoction of obsession and consumption, delivered with a tone of slapstick absurdity.