Blank Slate

Doubt has controlled me my entire life. It became so large I saw it in every corner of my existence. My entire life, I have strived to become weightless under the heaviness of its burden,  moulding myself into anything I thought I had to be. 

As I began my undergraduate studies three years ago, I wanted to let go of these doubts. Yet, I  quickly found myself confined to the same meaningless principles that had driven my life so far: feel accepted, no matter what. My life found itself tangled in a web of half-truths fuelled only by a strong desire to fit in. It felt like being myself was this big secret I had to hide.  

I ended up somewhat fitting in, but at what cost? I diluted myself in a sea of obsessive "what ifs" and became a mere collection of opinions other people have had of me at some point in time. The irony of it is that I am in a creative major; I study music composition. Abstinence from authenticity is not particularly a strength in my field. It led me down paths that were of no use and that wasted years of my life I will never get back. 

I barely ever told anyone that I sing. It took a year and a half for my closest university friend to find out I had a voice I used for more than just talking, and it took another six months for me to do something with it. I had been writing songs for as long as I could remember, but never really told people. I was crippled with doubts that ranged from "I am probably not very good" to "who would even  care about my songs?" I found myself in a constant state of paralysis, and at its core lay only shame.  My primary instrument wasn’t voice, so why would I have the arrogance to even mention it? In a context of essentially only contemporary instrumental writing, why would I have the audacity to deviate? That’s what it felt like - the mere thought of being myself felt audacious. 

After three long years of playing hide-and-seek with my own life, I ended up gathering the courage to finally try. I was going to be myself, expecting to be torn apart. It was worse; I was congratulated. I was applauded for the very things I believed would cause my downfall. As I received  all this praise, I remember thinking, "Why haven’t I done this sooner?" The approbation was bittersweet  - why had I wasted my degree pretending to be only a version of myself that I deemed acceptable? 

You can’t half-ass being yourself, and I wish I had realized that sooner. I’m still scared that in this mess of shreds of my life, I won’t ever find myself, but I have hope. I am slowly turning my life into an ode to being myself, because in the end, no one dies as a blank slate. In fact, I would like to die as the most colourful slate of them all.

Margaux Herry-Simon is currently a fourth-year music composition student at the Schulich School of Music of McGill University. While her main focus lies in music, she has always been fascinated by all forms of creation - particularly writing. In fact, she enjoys letting these different creative forms inspire each other in her work. IG: @marg_owhe